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Laws of anime
The laws of Anime are a list of physical, universal, and natural phenomena that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good chuckle. Physics #Law of Metaphysical Irregularity - The normal laws of physics do not apply. #Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics - In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way. #Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion - In a space, constant thrust equals constant velocity. #Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion - The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves, with Armoured Mecha being the fastest objects known to human science. #Law of Temporal Variability - Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight. #Law of Inherent Combustibility - Everything explodes. Everything. #*First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first. #*Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science, with Tokyo in particular seeming to be the most unstable of these. #Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude - The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass. #*First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. #Law of Differentiated Gravitation - #*First Corollary - If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping". #*Second Corollary - The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential. #*Third Corollary - Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4. Some things have been known to float for a few seconds before plummeting to hit the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium. #Law of Chromatic Diversity - A space containing air can be any color of the viewable spectrum. Setting #Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension - In any situation where the ambient dramatic tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient. #*First Corollary - Characters can perform actions with their vehicles that clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude, and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver. #*Second Corollary - It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension. #*Third Corollary - In any situation where the ambient dramatic tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in ambient dramatic tension. #Law of The Rushing Background Effect - Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion. #Law of Dramatic Emphasis - Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white). #Law of Dramatic Multiplicity - Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a "Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles. Deaths #First Law of Temporal Mortality - "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. #*Sometimes, Anime heroes or villains never really die. In these rare cases, they were a clone or cyborg and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something. #Second Law of Temporal Mortality - It takes some time for bad guys to die regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain. #Law of Phlogistatic Emission - Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds. Weapon function #Law of Energetic Emission - There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or spacecraft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility. #Law of Inexhaustibility - No one EVER runs out of ammunition until cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, or unconscious. #Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the "Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shodecreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss. #*First Corollary - The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage. #*Second Corollary - Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds, the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape. #*Third Corollary - Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers. #*Fourth Corollary - The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he will hit. #Law of Conservation of Firepower - Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used as a last resort. #Law of Ammunition Accuracy - When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods) #Law of Xylolaceration - Wooded/bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper and are always indestructible. #Law of Coercive Vehicular Control - No matter how complex or well defined the control system; a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis. #*First Corollary - (Law of Technological User-Benevolence) - The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity. #*Second Corollary - (Law of Musical Omnipotence) - Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha. #Law of Universal Edge Defense - Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts directly into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Anatomy #Law of Hemoglobin Capacity - The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure. #Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. #Law of Hydrostatic Emission - Eyes tend to be rather large in anime as they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is that anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid. #Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission - All anime characters have an unknown chemical on their breath that reacts violently with extremely hot or spicy food when exposed to it. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character is really angry. (Usually a female.) #Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism - If you get electrocuted or burned, no matter how badly, you will survive, and though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (For an example, see Pikachu). #Law of Minimum Corneal Volume - Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area, more so if it is in the case of a blonde woman. #Law of Feline Mutation - Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: #*Be female. #*Will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation. #*Wear as little clothing as possible, if any. #Law of Healing - Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Hair #Law of Follicular Permanence - Hair in anime is indestructible and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect; the only way to damage someone’s hair is with bladed weapons. #Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability - Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation. #Law of Electrical Charges in Hair - Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes: #*A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look. #*A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look. Battles and their results #Law of Understatement - Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible. #*First Corollary - Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be quickly defeated. #Law of Militaristic Unreliability - Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song. #*First Corollary - Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses. #Law of Tactical Unreliability - Tactical geniuses aren’t that smart when they are being depended upon. #Law of Continual Degradation - The more often an anime character relies on a super powerful attack the less effective it becomes in all following fights. (For an example, see Dragonball Z) #Law of Dormant Powers - Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish. #Law of Omnipotent Unreliability - Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late. #*First Corollary - No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring: #**The control device does not function properly. #**The control device being taken by the "Good Guy". #**The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy". #**The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device. #Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics - All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crewmembers: #*The captain #*His lieutenant #*Various female technical staff #*A hotshot pilot #*A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not) #*The doctor #*The doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not) #Law of Nominative Proclamation - The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack/attacker is announced. (For an example, see Hadouken.) #Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis - Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve already seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. #Law of Uninterruptable Nominative Clamovocation - Regardless of how long or involved a spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced. No matter how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (For an example, play against brand new players on Street Fighter and use an Ultra attack.) #Law of Instant Plasters - Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack), Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (often in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will most likely had disappeared by the character’s next scene. #Law of Meager Ability - No matter how strong they are made out to be by legend or lore, when a magical bad guy/alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero to be knocked back with his/her eyes shut, letting out a pathetic whimper. Human function #Law of Inconsequential Undetectability - People never notice the little things like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle. #Law of Juvenile Intellectuality - Children are smarter than adults are and are almost twice as annoying. #Law of Americanthromorphism - Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big, fat, stupid "Good Guy". #*First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. #*Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors. #*Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome "Good Guys". #Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating. #Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either: #*Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition) #*Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, #*Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling, then get raped by tentacles. Bad Guys #Law of Omnipotent Threats - All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which requires them to threaten with or exemplify their prowess, but not use it against the "Good Guy" at any point. #Law of Bad Guy Smugness - Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy", getting so cocky, they will tie the hero to a conveyor belt to lead them to their doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in: #*The hero escaping. #*Clean-up for the underlings. #*The villain getting toastied. Clothing #Law of Probable Attire - Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate; any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason. Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them. #*First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow. #*Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage. #*Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence) - The clothing on any hero character is indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows, or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice attack. #Law of Flimsy Incognition - Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives. Sex, relations and rape #Law of Naughty Tentacles - All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age. #*First Corollary - Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. It is theorized there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle. #*Second Corollary - Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable. #*Third Corollary - Similarly, the resulting offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again. #Law of Hentai Plot - The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime (or any adult anime) is to start having sex. #Law of Goofy Turnons - In Hentai, ordinary, pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects such as bottles of 7-UP. #Law of Penile Variance - All Anime men in Hentai have a large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common), as a high blood volume means there is sufficient blood levels for both penis and brain. (Demonstration of the typical Penis vs Brain battle.) #Law of Hentai Female Characteristics - All Hentai women have the following characteristics: #*Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples. #*Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas. #*Little to no control over how much the scream. #Law of Vaginal Variance - Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive vagina. #Law of Inverse Attraction - Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful; The more one want it, the less one will get and vice-versa. #Law of Active Female Attraction - Unless already he is in a couple or the anime itself is hentai, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how actively they pursue them. #Law of visual arousal - When sexually aroused, females get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow away from the brain to that region. #Law of Artistic Perversion - Most (but not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin. Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression. #Low of Cataclysmic Destruction - Any running fight can be so destructive that it can be followed from a distance just by watching for the smoke. The hero #Law of The Force - Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris miss them, even though they are mostly unaware of it. (Commonly referred to as Dumb luck, those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.) #Law of Style Coefficient - In a situation where the hero may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. #Law of Quintupular Agglutination - Also called "The Five-man Rule", along with himself, the hero will must also bring at least four other people along with him. There are four basic positions, which are: #*His girlfriend/rival's girlfriend who he has a secret crush on #*His best friend/arch rival #*A hulking, emotionally crippled brute #*A small person/kid #*First Corollary: Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes which can include extreme coolness, amazing intelligence, incredible irritation, immense stupidity, all round kindness, and gigantic breasts. #Law of Aura of Forgetfulness - Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise as everyone around him/her will forget everything. #Law of Hero Identification - All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their fame (or infamy), or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves. #Law of Shades/Coolness Factor - Wearing shades will instantly make the hero 20% cooler than he would normally be, especially when indoors or at night. #Law of the Cool Hair Factor - The hair of any male hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, and other elements. #Law of Celestial Body Control - At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette. #Law of the Sparkles - Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. Miscellaneous #Law of Inverse Coping - Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it. #Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity with no disclosed reasons. #Law of Tableware Nonexistence - There is no spoon. #Law of Anime Events - Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen, including a character origin flashback in the middle of the most important fight scene in the entire anime. #Law of the Wise Old Man - Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything. #*First Corollary: (Law of Old Man Comic Relief) - Comic relief often comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man. #*Second Corollary: If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will always invariably be an old woman to whack him over the head. #Law of Juvenile Omnipotence - Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time with twice the angst. #Law of Female wrath - If a male character insults a female character, he will get a smack, mallet, shotgun, tank blast or, if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball to the head. #*First Corollary - Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. #Law of Stereotype Captain Characteristics - If a captain of any type of ship is: #*Male - He will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. #*Female - She will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Although she will too be a great tactician, the chance of survival is around ≤0%. #The Law of Inverse Training Time - A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month. Category:Laws